Magnus Chase And Norse Mythology
by Ellahlin
Summary: Find out who the Destiny's Child of Norse mythology is, why it's Loki's fault we have to kiss under the mistletoe and how Odin is a complete pain in the butt for Thor, and pretty much everyone else. Explore Norse mythology with Magnus Chase as he shades all beings in the nine worlds, and is probably going to get in trouble for this.
1. A Moo Of Ice And Fire

**(IMPORTANT NOTE: I'M NOT NATIVE ENGLISH SO I AM SO SORRY FOR THE GRAMMAR SO PLEASE DON'T BE TOO HARD ON ME)**

 _Hello, Magnus here!_

 _So, now when you know how this norse god shit screwed up my life, I decided to teach you a thing or two about norse mythology since I myself is reading up on it for future references (actually Sam is forcing me to study it so I decided that if I go down then I'm taking everybody with me). So sit back and listen (or read or whatever) as I teach you about things, most of that you will wish you never learned._

 **Chapter 1: The Creation Part 1 - A Moo Of Ice And Fire**

Let's start from the beginning. Before the dawn of life, light and falafel there was a place called Niflheim. It was so cold and dark that not even my heart would be comfortable there. Kidding, but no seriously that was not a place you wanted to visit. It is _the_ darkest and coldest place in the world, consisting only of ice, fog and of course darkness. Niflheim was in the northern region of Ginnunap… Ginnungapa…. Ginnungapap... Ginnungagap which was a primordial void. In the southern region of Ginnungap… the primordial void was Muspelheim. On contrary to Niflheim, Muspelheim was burning hot, hotter than the Hemsworth brothers and Beyoncé and Obama's roasting and you name it. The land was covered in barely lava and soot, and not something you'll find in a travel magazines top-ten "world's hottest travel spots!". Trust me, I accidently took the elevator there. Muspelheim is the home of the fire giants, and its ruler and satan's personal fashion consult, Surt, is destined to burn down Asgard during Ragnarök. Yeah he's a real pain in the butt.

Anyway, between these realms only the void of Ginn… only void existed there. But in Niflheim there was a wellspring called Hverg… Hvergerglii…. HVERG,EKFD. Hvergelmir where the eleven rivers come from and the spring is said to be the origin of all life and where all living will go back. Elivagar, the "ice waves". They flow through the mountains of Niflheim to the primordial void, where they solidified and formed an icy layer.

But from Muspelheim lava floated (You: NO! Lava? Me: Yes, I was just as shocked. What a plot twist.) down into the great void. When the lava from Muspelheim met the icy land from Niflheim, it melted the ice and from the drops the first Jotun was born, Ymir. Yeah I don't think the vikings exactly got A on their chemistry tests.

"What happens when you put fire on this ice cube?" "It begins to melt!" "Exactly!" "And then form a giant!" "...what".

From the drops formed also… wait for it… a cow. Yes, in your face scientists, trying to force belief onto our children of the so called "evolution". If evolution existed, the explain THIS cow! Okay seriously I really hope all of this is like metaphorical or something because finding out gods, giants, elves and nine world exist is one thing, but that the first living creatures was a giant and a cow is _really_ messing up the last bit of trust I have of my understanding.

Okay back to the Jotun and the…. Cow… Her name was Audhumla and she lived on a OBOSI diet (only block of salty ice). Ymir, the giant, lived on the milk of Audhumla. Now warning for sensitive readers and especially those who are eating, because the next chapter is going to get really disturbing.


	2. This Is Why Antiperspirant Was Invented

**Chapter 2: The Creation Part 2 - This is why antiperspirant was invented**

One day, tired after breastfeeding of Audhumla, Ymir fell asleep. Now Ymir wasn't exactly the freshest person in the world (not that he had many to compete with), when sleeping, he sweated. A lot. So much that from each of his arm pits, two more giants, male and female, grew out of the sweat. Yes, I know. Ew. Then came another uhm "child" of Ymir, a giant called Thrudgelmir who I honestly don't understand how he was born. Why you should know him? Heck if I know. But, this little family became the origin of the jotuns, the frost giants. Congratulations Sam, your ancestors on your father's side was born from armpit sweat. Haaaaa…. she is so going to kill me for this. Okay, back to our beloved cow.

So one day when Audhumla was licking the rocks, minding her own business, she noticed something strange coming from the rock. On the first day, human hair was showing. Then a head on the second. On the third day, the rest of the body emerged from the rock. The person, who was licked out of a rock by a cow, was a giant named Buri and ancestral father to the gods. You see this is why the gods and jotuns doesn't mention each other's origins when insulting each other.

Buri later had a son called Borr who married the giantess Bestla. Together they had three kids, Vili, Ve And Odin. These three brothers started to feel threatened by the growing numbers of frost giants. So one day they got this brilliant idea, "hey, why don't we just slay Ymir?". Brave as they were, they waited for the Allfather Jotun to fall asleep before they assaulted , who hadn't been awakened in the most peaceful way, shouted "Rude!" and a terrifying battle erupted. When the brothers finally managed to slay Ymir, his blood flooded the world, drowning almost every frost giant. The only two jotun survivors were Bergelmir and his wife, who fled to the land of mist. So now you know, that all the jotuns you meet are ancestors from these Noah jotuns. And, as you can guess, this little incident came to spark a lifelong hostility between the two races, and set fate on its course to Ragnarök. The jotuns would then finally avenge Ymir and the deaths of the other frost giants. Honestly I don't know what Odin, Vili and Ve expected.

Now, after killing Ymir, the three brothers stared at the corpse being all like "So what now?". Then they got this wonderful idea. They dragged the body of the slain giant to the center of Ginnun… ga… ga… Ginnungagap and used his body to create the world. His blood became the oceans and water (One thing I really didn't want to know), The flesh became the land (second thing I didn't want to know), The bones became the mountains (I never asked), The teeth made into rock (really?), The hair became grass and trees (how even…), the eyelashes became Midgard (wh…. You know, this is why I never studied norse mythology. I never asked, I never wanted to know.). And then his shit became Donald Trump. Okay, kidding on the last part. Or I don't know honestly that wouldn't surprise me.

But what did they do with the brain you ask? Why, I say, why did you ask? The brain, for your information, was thrown up in the air and became the sky. You had to know..

Then, probably Odin started going all "You know what? It's so empty in the sky."

"Well what did you expect?" Ve sighed.

"It needs glitter." Odin suggested.

"No Odin you can't…."

"Glitter. I want glitter"

"You…. oh damn it okay we'll fix some glitter to it"

The three brothers went to Muspelheim and collected some sparks, which they added to the sky, much to Odin's delight. And so, the stars were created. Odin got his glitter, but not an A on his science test.

For further details on how to create a world from the corpse of a giant giant, purchase Odin's latest copy "How to create a world from the corpse of a giant giant" available at the Hotel Valhalla gift shop.


	3. Odin's Wisdom Is Another Man's Pain

**Chapter 3: The Creation Part 3 - Odin's Wisdom Is Another Man's Pain**

So, Odin, Vili and Ve created the world. Great job. Now their next mission was to find a place to settle. Since they took credit for world creation they decided that they deserved the best place. The three musketeers found Idavoll, a land of green and beautiful plains high up in the middle world, and there they built up Asgard. Why call it Ass-gard? Probably because Odin was in the project, and eventually became its king. Not much is heard of his brothers since, they probably decided that it would be best to lay low. We'll get more to the Allfather's nature later.

Of course, the jotuns weren't allowed to live anywhere near Asgard. They settled in Utgard, or Jotunheim which is the most common name. Jotunheim was separated from Asgard by the river Lving, which never freezes over. Makes sense. The land consisted mostly of rock, dense forests, wilderness and cold. This resulted in an all meat and fish diet for the jotuns, since it was impossible to grow any crops in Jotunheim. So if you are vegetarian or vegan, you better turn back.

The most powerful and fearsome ruler in Jotunheim is Utgard-Loki, whose stronghold is said to be so big that you can hardly see the top of it. He also has an enormous sign outside saying "NO I'M NOT 'THE FAMOUS' LOKI GET OUT". You know if I knew that it was the Jotun King Utgard-Loki that ate my falafel I wouldn't have attacked him. Probably. Okay maybe, but no one touches my falafels. Well I just hope I won't have to meet him again, though I have a bad feeling that it hasn't been the last I've seen of him.

During the time Odin and his brothers were busy with braiding Ymir's hair to trees and splashing his brain up the sky, worms started crawling out from the corpse. Who, became the first dwarves. You know, I've really tried to be respectful (okay no I haven't) to all the people in the nine realms, but I just got to say, that is really disturbing. Sorry Blitz.

The worm-dwarf brothers told each other to hold up the sky, since no one wanted Ymir's brain to fall down on them. Can relate.

"Hey, go and hold up the sky" said one of them.

"Why don't YOU hold up the sky?" said another.

"I like… trains" said a third.

Eventually, probably after a few fist fights and one death from a passing train coming out of nowhere, four brothers agreed to hold up the sky. Nordi in north, Vestri in west, Sundri in south and Austri in Austria. I'm joking he was in east. The other dwarves, who were very happy to be relieved from that duty, made their homes in caves and rocks. Well they were originally worms after all. Their home was named Nidavellir, and dwarves became masters of craftsmanship, creating almost every cool tool of the aesirs like Mjollnir, which we'll get to later.

Now what about humans you wonder? Luckily for all of us, our origin story isn't as gruesome as the others. Not that it's any less weird. See one day Odin & Co was walking on the beach of the world they had created, enjoying the breeze of jotuns humiliation and so on. When they suddenly found two logs washed up on the shore, one from the Elm tree and the other from an Ash tree.(if you thought of the pokémon dude, you're a nerd. Wait..)

"Brothers!" Odin rejoiced.

"Oh no" said Vili.

"I have an idea!" Odin continued

"Not again…" Ve grunted at his brother.

"I'm going to give these tree logs life!" cheered the Allfather and ran up to the washed up trees.

His brothers chose not to argue with him, knowing that it would be futile. First, Odin gave the logs spirit and life. Vili and Ve saw that this wasn't enough, so Ve gave them movement, mind and intelligence, and Vili gave them shape, speech, feelings and their five senses. Thus, the first two humans had been created, your ancestors. Congratulations, you're a tree.

The humans, named Ask and Embla, was placed by the gods in Midgard, the land just below Asgard. To protect them from the continuously invading jotuns, who weren't to happy about their share of the world, the gods built a giant fence around Midgard.

Although the gods cared for the humans, since the ones who created us wasn't, I don't know, chained to a stone and having an eagle pick on their entrails.

But the important thing was that you could NEVER think yourself equal to them. Nuh-huh.

Now after talking about Asgard and Jotunheim and worm world and tree people, I think it's time we go to a quick look on Vanaheim, home of the vanir gods and my father. To be honest, I couldn't find that much information about the place's origin (reading up on all the others, I'm actually really glad I couldn't find anything). All I know is that the vanir were an old branch of gods, who specialised in sorcery, seering and often associated with fertility and wisdom. Like Freyr, my dad. Who is, like, the best god. You'll know why.

Anyway, the vanir and asgardians wasn't exactly in a bromance with each other. There was a big and bloody war between the races, who finally died down after they signed a peace-treaty with each other and exchanged hostages. The asgardians sent Mimir, god of wisdom, and Honir, god of indecisiveness. The vanir sent Njord, god of the sea, and his two twins Freyr (my dad) god of fertility, sunlight, rain and peace, and Freyja goddess of love, fertility, magic and death. All three vanir grew fast in popularity, not just in Asgard but also among the mortals. But what about the aesir gods in Vanaheim? Meh not so popular. The vanir were increasingly annoyed by Honir, who would always rely on his companion Mimir, whose own opinions wasn't so favoured by the vanir. They felt tricked, and resolved it by cutting of Mimir's head and sending it back to the Allfather. Honestly, I once again have no idea what Odin expected from sending a god of indecisiveness and one of decisiveness. To preserve the head, Odin smeared it with herbs, and then recited a charm so the head would restore its power of speech. Why? Don't look at me, guess the old man really missed his old friend Mimir. Or he was just feeling experimental, which is more believable.

Mimir was later placed to guard a magic well at the root of the cosmic tree Yggradsil. Later, when Odin was really thirsty for the wisdom of the well, consisting of "many truths unknown to any other person", Mimir decided to be a really lousy friend.

"Mimir, I want to drink of your well" Odin proclaimed to his old friend Mr. beHead.

"Your payment?" Mimir asked the Allfather in an indifferent voice.

"Payment? But I resurrected you! I gave you life! I made you drink from this well and made you its guardian!"

"Yeah but you still gotta pay"

"... fine, do you take cash or credit?" Odin finally gave in.

"Cash only"

"Bloody Ymir!" he cursed, remembering he forgot his cash at home.

"Maybe you have something else to offer?" the head said in a greedy tone. He knew a lot of awesome stuff Odin had, stuff he would have no problems with taking possession of. He was a great friend like that.

"Oh I know!" Odin ripped out one of his eyes, and dropped it in Mimir's well.

"What did you do that for?!" Mimir was both furious and annoyed, because Odin's eye wasn't on the top ten list of things he wanted from the Allfather.

"Yeah but I payed, and I payed a heavy price for knowledge, as it must be"

"You could have just offered me some…"

"Don't question wisdom!"

"I think that's the whole thing about wis…"

"I have _spoken_!"

Finally, Mimir gave up and let Odin drink from the well of wisdom. And just as I got information from reading norse mythology, that I never asked or wanted, Odin had to pay the same price. For the knowledge he got, was the heavy burden of knowing the inescapable doom of the world. Ragnarök. Not that he had to suffer alone with it, the bastard shared the bloody secret with the entire world.


	4. Yggdrasil, Destiny's Child 'n Mean Girls

**Chapter 4: The World Tree Of Destiny's Child And Mean Girls**

"Hey Magnus! Nice knowing about all the different realms and whatever, but what about the world tree?"

Well dear reader, as you may know the cosmic world tree is called Yggdrasil. A name I can actually pronounce, but not so sure about the spelling though. The tree, an ash tree for your information, stretches across all the nine worlds, above and beneath the heavens. It is eternally green and also called the tree of life. Yggdrasil is carried by three enormous roots, the first which is in Asgard. By this root the asgardians have a well called Urd's well, where they held daily meetings. The three norns lives by the well, Urd (past) Verdani (present) and Skuld (future), and as you may guess they are the goddesses of fate. They spin threads of life and can decide the fate of every human, animal and god. Step aside Odin, Vili and Ve, the Destiny's Child of norse mythology is coming through. So think twice before you tempt the fates by uttering the words "at least it can't get any worse than this" because they're gonna go "lmao who's gonna tell 'em?".

These creepy ladies also got their own pet, a rooster, which they place on top of Yggdrasil every morning to wake up all mortals and gods with a " _Cock-a-doodle-doo it's fate suckers_!"

They would then carry water from the well to pour over their root of the world tree, in order to keep it green and healthy. Unlike _some_ others, who were too busy destroying the tree (keep reading).

But one good thing to know, is that the norns loves porridge. So good news to all you porridge-haters, you are now justified to throw the porridge in the fire and shout "for the norns!".

The second root of Yggdrasil is down in Jotunheim, where Mimir's well is. The third goes all the way down to Niflheim, by the well Hverg...g… Hvergemlilirmi…. Hvergemlir, which I mentioned in the first chapter, where the eleven rivers called Elivagar comes from (that shaped the world by creating a giant called Ymir bla bla). By this well lives a dragon, Nidhug, gnawing of the root of the cosmic tree and living of the blood from dead people. Huh, my middle-school teacher could make a living like that. But I don't know, maybe he _need hug._

At the very top of Yggdrasil lives an eagle, and the bitter enemy of Nidhug. And this is where the evil takes a squirrel form in Ratatosk. Trust me on this one, if you ever get the wonderful idea of climbing the world tree, don't. If you'll have to face Ratatosk, it's over. Its only purpose in life is to carry gossip and shit-talking between the two rivals, driving them into destroying the world tree from above and below. Ratatosk was Gossip Girl before it was cool and Regina George's first incarnation.


	5. Odin Will Never Have A Driving's License

**Chapter 5: Why Odin Will Never Have A Driving License**

So, I think it's time we uncover some gods, and let's start of with our beloved chief aesir and Allfather, Odin. He lives in his house called Valaskialf (yes, he named his house), and in the tower of the house sits his throne, Hlidskialf (you know, just pretend you can pronounce it). From there, Odin can see all over the nine worlds. Forget Santa Claus, Odin will know when you're naughty. Actually I'm pretty positive it's Odin that snitch on you to Santa. Other than that he also has a spear that never miss its target, with a terrifying name. The enemy trembles when they just hear a whisper of the name - _Gungnir_. I wonder what his other weapons are called, Jon the sword and Steve the arrow? Odin had a ring too that uh… produced more ring…? I have honestly no idea of its use.

Among Odin's pets were the two wolves (I hate wolves) Geri and Freki, who follows him everywhere and eats all his food. Lovely aren't they? But Odin apparently didn't need any food to survive, the only thing he lived on was wine and mead. Seriously this guy should go and see a doctor. Odin had two ravens too, Huginn (thought) and Munnin (memory) who flies across the nine worlds and reports back to Odin what they have seen and heard. Sleipner, the eight-legged horse and Loki's son, is also Odin's. We'll get to his backstory later on, sorry Sam.

Odin is the god of victory, happiness, wisdom (?) and death. He was immensely popular among the vikings (that raided so to say) because of the god's love for battle, and got the nickname "father of the slain", since he's also the chief of Valhalla, hall of the divine fortress of Asgard and home of the Einherjar, glorious dead. That's me, by the way. Although everyone was pretty unsure of my falling screaming from a bridge counted as a "glorious" death. Gathering slain warriors was the only policy which Odin could adopt since the constant threat of Ragnarök. Finding out that your destiny is to be devoured by a wolf can kind of paranoid you (you know Odin this is why you shouldn't have gotten cocky with the norns).

But the term "glorious" is kind of deluded to begin with when it comes to the Chief Aesir. For this guy _loved_ to stir up fights. Odin alone had the power to make enemies go blind in battle and horror-struck, but his favored warriors go berserk, filling them with rage but emptying them on feelings like fear and pain. So if a guy runs naked and screaming into battle, then you know he's got Odin's blessing. Once he even commanded Freyja to "find two kings and set them at each other's throats", just, because. Don't question wisdom. There even was this Danish king, Harald, favored by the Allfather who gained him many victories. Then one battle, Odin took the place of the king's charioteer and drove the poor guy to his death. And this is why good folks, you don't hire Odin as your chauffeur.

Now Odin wasn't all about running naked into battle and drunk driving. He was also the god of wisdom, being oldest of the gods, and magic. Odin was the most learned in Asgard, and he never stopped craving for more knowledge. No seriously this guy has a serious addiction. See, Odin used to watch, enviously, from his throne as the norns shaped the destinies of all living things. Except for spinning the thread of life, they also carved runes into Yggdrasil's trunk in order to shape destiny. Runes aren't exactly my field of expertise (actually none of this I'm writing about is, don't blame me if you use me as your reliable source) but I've learned quite a lot from my friend Hearthstone, who is really passionate about this. So if I got this right, runes are more than just the writing of the vikings, but each rune holds a secret which allows one to access and influence the world-shaping forces they symbolized (super cool).

Back to Odin, who had just made up his mind that hey, if he's king of Asgard, hel does he deserve to know the secrets of the runes! The runes, whose native home is in the well of Urd, only reveal themselves to someone who proves them worthy of holding such a omnipotent power. So first when Odin arrived at the well he tried with the "come kitty kitty". Realizing that it was in vain, he had to try a new tactic. Odin pierced himself with his spear and hung himself from one of Yggdrasil's tree branches, above the well of Urd. I don't know, was like meditating already taken by the Buddhists? When his wife, Frigg, walked by and saw her husband hanging with a spear in his gut, she just stared into the camera like she was on The Office.

And there he kept hanging. Day after day, staring into the well begging "Pleease come out"

"No!" the runes snapped.

Eventually, the runes gave up, and on the ninth night Odin could make out shapes in the depths of the well, the runes! Not only did they reveal their shapes, but also their secrets. He burned them into his memory, then ended his trial with a scream of exaltation. Some other gods woke up to this, and ran to Thor to complain about his goats' noise.

All joking aside, with the knowledge of the runes Odin is now one of the most powerful beings in cosmos. He knows the past and future of all man, can heal or curse them with illness, travel to far away land from his or others memories, wake the dead and a lot of other fun stuff. You know I'm really starting to regret my shading of him. But will I stop? Never.

Now, throw-back time.

After the Aesir-Vanir war, the gods and goddesses sealed their truce by spitting into a vat.( I've learned not to question the customs). Then Odin brought it home to Asgard and from the spittle he created a human, Kvasir. Because, being born from a womb would just be too normal.

Kvasir travelled the world and was praised everywhere for his great wisdom. But his luck didn't last that long. On day he was invited in by two dwarf brothers, Fjalar and Galar, Deceiver and Screamer. Taken their names, apparently Kvasir's wisdom had its limit. Upon his arrival the two dwarves slaid him, and from his blood they brewed mead. Yeah, yuck.

This mead held Kvasir's ability to distribute wisdom, and any who drank would become a poet or scholar. Just imagine if a person accidentally brought this to a party.

The gods eventually got suspicious of Kvasir's disappearance, and confronted the dwarves who had last been with the guy.

"What happened to Kvasir?" they demanded.

"He…. Chocked on his wisdom" Fjalar replied.

"Chocked on his wisdom?"

"Poor guy" Fjalar sniffed.

Fjalar and Galar wasn't done with deceiving and murdering. Soon after they tricked the frost giant Gilling out at sea and drowned him, just for fun. The brothers then got annoyed with the crying of Gilling's wife, so they dropped a milestone on her head. Cute little guys.

Suttung, Gilling's son, learned of his parents murderers and went out for vengeance. He managed to seize the dwarves and carried them out to a reef that would soon be covered by waves. They pathetically begged for their lives, but not until they mentioned Kvasir's mead Suttung started to listen. He granted the brothers freedom after they agreed to give him the mead, from which Suttung then hid in a cave and appointed his daughter Gunnlod its guardian. I have no idea what she had done to deserve such a punishment.

And this is where our beloved knowledge-hungry god comes in. When Odin heard of this magical brew, he just _had_ to have it. So he disguised himself as a wandering farmhand and went to the farmhouse of Baugi, Suttung's brother. There he approached nine servants mowing hay.

"Hello good folks!" Odin sang out to the workers.

"Are you tired of mowing hay all day? Does the work take like _forever_?"

Some started to nod, others became very confused.

"Then I got the answer for you!" Odin took out a whetstone from under his cloak and showed it.

"This whetstone will sharpen your scythes so great, that you'll do the work ten times quicker! Even Kronos will be jealous! Let me demonstrate!" He began sharpening their scythes, and much to their joy all their work was soon done. Agreeing that it was the best whetstone they had seen, they asked to purchase it.

"Yes, but it is a heavy price you must pay…. FIRST ONE WHO CATCH IT WILL HAVE IT!" and with that, Odin threw the whetstone up in the air.

"It's mine!" Screamed one of the servants.

"No mine mine!" yelled another and slung after it.

"I like…. Trains" stated someone in the crowed.

They all slung their scythes at each other, and soon they all laid dead from scythe cuts and smashed from a moving train coming out of nowhere.

Odin then went to Baugi's house and introduced himself.

"My name is Bölverkr" said Odin to the giant.

"It seems that your servants all killed each other in a dispute"

"Killed each other?" said Baugi, baffled.

"How?"

"They had a fight about a err… train" Odin replied.

"A train?"

"But I can offer you to do all the work of those nine servants, IF I get a sip of Suttung's mead."

"I'm sorry old man, but I have no saying about the mead." sighed Baugi.

"I'm afraid my brother guards it jealously. But if you really can perform the same tasks as nine men at the same time, then I might be of some help for you."

To this Odin agreed. And of course, mr-omni-potent-god had no problem finishing all work before the deadline. Baugi did as he promised and took the Allfather, still in disguise, to his brother Suttung. But Suttung refused to share any of the mead made from Kvasir's blood. Odin in return kept pestering Baugi about his promise, and eventually convinced him to aid Odin into getting into Gunnlod's lair. He made the frost giant carve a hole from which the mountain was closest to her chamber.

"It's done!" Baugi proclaimed to whom he thought was Bölverkr.

"Great!" Odin bent down and blew on the dust from the new hole, but it blew straight back at him.

"Aaah my eyes!" Odin blinked furiously.

"The hole isn't through!"

"Oops sorry about that." Apologized Baugi, who was really not sorry.

"My mistake."

When the frost giant declared a second time that he was done, Odin blew again, and this time the dust went through the hole. He then turned himself to a snake, and slittered through as Baugi tried to stab him with the auger.

Once inside, Odin shape-shifted into a handsome dude and made his way to where Gunnlod was guarding the mead.

"'Sup?" he said while casually leaning against the wall.

"Holy Audhumla!" Gunnlod grabbed her chest in surprise and awe.

"Are you Johnny Depp?!"

"Er who?" Odin responded in confusion, but quickly straightened again.

"Haha why yes it's me my dear. Johnny Pepp"

"Depp"

"That's what I said. Now, I heard you had a very delicious mead stored somewhere around here…"

"Aw sorry" Gunnlod tilted her head down.

"But my father strictly forbade me to share it with anyone"

"But what would you say if we strike a deal?" Odin's eyes gleamed with excitement.

Odin and Gunnlod agreed on that if he stayed with her for three days, she would allow him a sip. And on the third night, she took him to where her father stored the mead in three vats. Odin went up and consumed all the content in a one big gulp.

"WHAT!" the giantess shouted.

"I said one sip!"

"But I did take a sip" Odin mused.

"Just one, very big, sip"

He then changed into an eagle and flew off to Asgard, with his prize in his throat. Yummy.

When Suttung heard of the news, he changed into another eagle and flew off in rage. The chase went wild, but Odin managed to pass Asgard's stronghold just in time before Suttung got a hold of him. Once inside, Odin regurgitated (Yes I know eeew) the mead into a container to store it. However, some of it happened to drop down on Midgard, resulting in all the world's bad poets and scholars. Only the true ones had Odin chosen and given Kvasir's mead personally. So now you know good folks, that Nickelback, Iggy Azalea etc. are the result of Odin's vomit on Midgard.

It is also said that Odin can have a really soft voice, and that all who hears believe everything he says. Add shape-shifting to one of his abilities, and question how much you actually can trust him.

In one tale for example, Thor had to cross a deep river when of to hunt some giants. So he summoned the ferryman Harbard, but their conversation quickly develops into a heated argument from which the ferryman mostly insults Thor.

"Oy old ferryman!" Thor shouted to Harbard who was on the other side of the river.

"Give me a lift and I'll shall see for it that you'll have breakfast"

"Bah, who praises one with breakfast? Your home must be so gloomy, that your mother is dead!" insulted the old ferryman.

"Wh… What does my mother have to do with this?" the thunder god was both filled with confusion and anger,

"And you're not even wearing any pants!" Harbard kept shouting. Now, stating this usually meant the person wasn't especially bright, but Thor had a tendency to take things literally.

"Now you get your bloody boat over here…"

"Sorry, my boss is like _the_ most awesome guy ever, and I can't just let anyone ride this ferry. It would be a complete disgrace, so first you gotta tell me your name."

"Oh I'll tell you my name"... Thor growled.

"I am the son of Odin, brother of Meile, father of Magni. I am the lord of strength among the gods, Thor is my name!"

"My name is Harbard" stated Harbard, unmoved by the thunder god.

"You…. do you have a death wish or something?" Thor's face was now the colour of blood orange (it's red).

"If I was fearing vengeance from someone like you? _Please._ "

"Oh just wait, if I could get over there, I would smash your skull up!" Thor yelled in rage. The ferryman stared out over the river, too large and deep for anyone to cross.

"Oh I can wait"

And then they kept going, with Thor bragging about how many powerful giants he had slain while Harbard replied with bragging about how many women he'd slept with during that time. Really, this story is one of the most amusing I've read so far. Finally, Thor had had enough.

"You won't be so quick-witted once you'll get a taste of Mjollnir!"

"Sif has a lover at home, I think he might be the one who should taste Mjollnir."

Thor was stunned.

"How dare you, you sly dog, lying to me like that"

"No I'm pretty certain about that."

Eventually, Thor boomed away by land instead, swearing vengeance upon Harbard. Now here comes the plot twist you might have expected, the ferryman was really Odin in disguise. Why you ask? People, we're talking about the the guy who is blood-brother with Loki, by choice. Yeah so Odin probably doesn't get a mug with "World's Best Dad!" from Thor. But this story indicates the difference between the two major gods - Odin the witty and deceitful troublemaker, and Thor the hot-tempered but honest. We'll get more to him later on.

Now, Odin didn't always get away with his schemes. Once Odin found out about Baldur's fate, and that he would have a son that would avenge his death, Odin chose Rind to be the bearer of that child. There are many versions of this story aswell of the identity of Rind. She was all from a giantess, a human or an asynjur (Asgardian goddess).

Billing, Rind's father, approved of the chief god. So Odin kept courting Rind, but she wasn't so flattered by his attending and rejected his advances. She was strong-willed and it seemed like nothing could woo her. Eventually, Odin did something that was definitely not okay. He drugged poor Rind, causing her to go mad. Odin then took the shape of a healer called Vekka, saying 'she' could cure the poor king's daughter. Billing let healer in, and it's also now that this story takes different turns, and honestly I have no idea which is true. In one version, 'Vekka' then tricks the king to bind Rind, and when he leaves, Odin rapes her. In another story, Odin, in disguise as Vekka, actually manages to finally woo Rind, as it turned out that she was lesbian. Either way, what Odin did was not okay and he had violated her. The gods went furious, and banished him from Valhalla. Ullr, god of winter and skiing, son of Sif and step-son of Thor, took the Allfather's place. Allthough there are some sources that say that his brothers Vili and Ve took over. I really hate it when scholars disagree.

Rind was depicted as an honourable woman, even after what Odin did to her. She was made the goddess of seduced and violated women, and it is her you'd seek if you had ever been raped.

Odin wasn't allowed to return after ten years of roaming around the world. And when he came back, he swore to never violate another woman again. Just think what would happen if Zeus was treated the same way, that guy would never see Olympus again.

Rind did birth a son for Odin, Vali, that would indeed avenge Baldur's death. In a way. No, he wouldn't kill or capture Loki, but would slay his brother Hodr, the one who was tricked to shoot Baldur. A minor detail. But thereafter Odin only slept with women who had given him her consent, and he did have a few kids. Counted among them are Thor, Vali, Baldur, Hodr, Vidar, Hermod etc. See the gods hadn't really invented protection yet.

Now I think it's time we move on to another, and we've covered enough dudes, so let's step aside for the ladies.


	6. The Ultimate PTA Mom

**Chapter 6: The ultimate PTA mom**

Since Odin was the one presented in the last chapter, it would only be fitting to present the queen B of Asgard - Frigg. Her name means "the beloved one" and she is the daughter of the giant Fjörgynn, a god(dess) of the earth. They are also mother of Thor, so I guess they were intergender.

Anyway, Frigg married Odin and they had two sons, Baldur and Hodr, and she was stepmother to Thor, Heimdall, Hermod, Tyr, Bragi… you know, just call her Allmother. Frigg is the goddess of love, fertility, marriage and motherhood, meaning that she was the No. 1 god married women prayed to.

Frigg was the only one Odin let sit on the throne Hlidskialf, so she too could see over the nine worlds. When you see a painting of her she's usually depicted spinning. Some sources says that she's spinning clouds, which makes total sense, but she is possibly also a practicer of a norse form of magic called Seidr. With Seidr one can re-weave the threads of fate and so altering its course. Maybe she did a Beyoncé and left Destiny's Child for a solo-career.

Either way, Frigg "will tell no fortunes, yet well she knows the fates". No, it did not indicate that she was bff with the norns and had sleepovers together. I think. But Frigg didn't need to drink from Mimir's well, she was way too cool for that. No, she knew everyone's fate. She knew of Ragnarök. Yet it was almost impossible to make her reveal anything. During one party when Loki was in a really bad mood (he wasn't allowed to come in in the first place) he started offending Frigg by slandering her. Freyja then shuts him up by pointing out that Frigg knows the destiny of all beings, including those in the room (like Loki). If Frigg is indeed a practicer of Seidr, would mean that it was also a threat to Loki - she knows your destiny, _and she can bloody hel change it._ Well we all know that things didn't turn out so well for him, so it wouldn't surprise me if Frigg had a doing in that.

But Frigg is also the protective and loving mother I think most moms can relate to. When her beloved son Baldur started having bad dreams of his death, she literally went all across the nine realms and extracted a promise from each living and dead thing, to never harm nor kill her son. Frigg really would do anything to keep her child from any harm. Though she committed a fatal mistake when she ignored the mistletoe. Loki, in disguise of an old woman I believe, tricked her into revealing that secret.

"Wow" the 'old woman' approached Frigg.

"It's so amazing that you could make everything swear not to harm Baldur. Totally amazing. Like, _everything_? Even the smallest little possibly deadly weapon? I don't know, maybe _something_ you forgot."

"My thank you old not at all suspicious woman" Frigg replied.

"Oh yes I went to every corner in all the nine realms, and everything swore not to hurt him."

" _Really_ everything?" the old-woman-who-is-definitely-not-Loki asked.

"Even the smallest little leaf to a book… _anything would do"_ he whispered pleadingly.

"Yes especially every book!" Frigg answered.

"He could have choked on wisdom!"

"Choked on… wisdom?" Loki spoke in confusion.

"Why yes of course. But now that you mention it, I did not to ask the mistletoe."

"The…. Mistletoe?" Now Loki shined up.

"Aren't you worried that someone might, I don't know, fashion a dart or arrow out of it?"

"The mistletoe?" Frigg laughed at the idea.

"That harmless little thing couldn't hurt an ant if it so wanted to"

"Haha _yeees…._ " Loki hissed in malicious joy.

"How could one possible hurt Baldur with an arro- * _cough* *cough*_ \- I mean mistletoe?"

So Loki would then fashion an arrow of mistletoe, from which he would trick the blind Hodr to shoot his own brother. Poor, devastated Frigg declared that from that day on, mistletoes would be used for no harm. So know, that the reason we all have this stupid and embarrassing rule that you have to kissing under the mistletoe, is all because of Loki. Thanks a lot man.

But Frigg didn't give up on her son yet. I mean, him dying maybe would have given her a hint to give up. But oh we're talking about the woman who talked to every single thing in the nine worlds to make them swear her a promise not to hurt Baldur.

So Frigg gathered all the aesirs and aesynjurs to ask them of a not at all troublesome task.

"I ask that whoever is brave and honourable enough to journey -"

"AYE!" They all shouted in unison, standing up and trying to shove each other out of the way.

"- to the underworld to ask of Hel to release Baldur, please stand up." Frigg finished.

They all sat down so quickly, only the god Hermod was left standing.

"Oh thank you!" Frigg cried out in relief.

"Wait wh -"

"Praise thee my beloved…. Aesir. I shall see for it that all the preparations are done."

"It's Hermods."

"You will be appointed the god of messaging Hermes!"

"Hermods."

"That's what I said. Now, of you go."

Okay, to be honest I have no idea if he went there of own accord or if he was just lousy at musical chairs. But either way, Hermods went to the underworld in order to bargain with Hel. For this journey the god borrowed Odin's horse (and Loki's so- OUCH SAM THAT HURT) by leaving a note "I.O.U". When Hermods got there, well, things didn't turn out as smooth. And as always, I'm going to leave a cliff-hanger with, we'll get back to it later.


End file.
